#15-5: Candid Talk About Important Stuff
Posted by: virginiaknowles <virginiaknowles@...>
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The Hope Chest with Virginia Knowles
#15-5: Candid Talk About Important Stuff
August 1, 2012
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"Every person has a story that would break your heart if you just knew it."
"The
Freedom to Be Candid" from Grace-Based Parenting by Dr. Tim
Kimmel
July 25, 2012
Dear
friends,
Ready
for another installment in my Reflections
on Grace-Based Parenting series?
Today I am writing about the 9th chapter,
"The Freedom to Be Candid," but first I wanted to back up
and give you an extra quote from the previous chapter, "The
Freedom to Be Vulnerable." It really ministered to me
this morning, especially in light of the Major Mommy Meltdown I had
yesterday. Fortunately for me, my husband came home, made dinner,
calmed everyone down, gave me a good long back rub, and tried to
humor me out of my despair. Anyway, here are the quotes...
“As
adults, we know that those who follow the well-worn path to the base
of the cross find ample room for heavy hearts and hurts that can't
seem to heal. It's an amazing grace that doesn't trivialize the
fickle nature of our personalities. There's no condescension waiting
to counter our tendencies to become easily embarrassed. There are no
lectures longing to straighten out the folly of our thinking.
There's no mocking of our self-conscious thoughts, just a generous
Savior with a gentle heart who knows how unsure we often are about
ourselves... When circumstances scrub off the layers of their
self-confidence, and their shortcomings wash away the foundation of
their self-righteousness, Jesus isn't appalled by the blemishes He
finds underneath. There's no sin too bad, no doubt too big, no
question too hard, and no heart too broken for His grace to deal
with.”
That's
good new for me! How about for you?
OK,
let's move on to "The Freedom to Be Candid" chapter.
Dr.
Kimmel first points out that raw “honesty” is not always kind.
It's really easy to ambush and then shred each other with toxic
“truth.” I've had it happen to me, and I've done it to
others. He goes on to contrast that with the concept of
candor, which is really eye-opening for me. These are real-life,
real-time issues at our house.
“That's
why we need candor and not just honesty when it comes to the family.
Candor isn't about catching people off guard to make them look worse
than they are. Candor is several steps above honesty and is a way of
communicating freely without prejudice or malice. Candor takes the
truth and frames it in a way that helps rather than harms. There's
also a high degree of fairness brought to bear within the true
definition of candor... The third characteristic of grace-based
homes is this: They are homes that give children the freedom to be
candid. These
are homes where what is on a child's mind can end up as dinner
dialogue without fear of payback. That's because homes with candor
create give-and-take between parents and children that promotes
honesty dipped in honor... Grace makes the difference because it
keeps honesty from getting ugly. It ratchets up the free exchange of
heartfelt things to a much higher level of forthrightness – a
careful forthrightness that guards the other person's dignity.”
Specifically,
Dr. Kimmel notes that children need the freedom to be candid with
things that are disappointing them about their parents (that's us),
about their own sexuality, and about their spiritual lives. Here are
some specific examples and my own comments on these topics:
Disappointments
with parents: In the Kimmel family, starting when their
kids were quite young, they often hosted “What's Your Beef?”
evenings where each child could order whatever kind of food they
wanted for dinner (picked up from an assortment of nearby takeout
restaurants) and then get to hash over what was bothering them about
mom and dad. The rules? The kids were not allowed to challenge moral
rules or consequences, and the parents were not allowed to defend
themselves! What about kids doing criticizing their parents rudely?
Dr. Kimmel notes,“The best way to ensure that our children will
speak respectfully when they are voicing their disappointment or
disapproval over something is to make sure that is exactly how we
speak to them when it's the other way around. Parents are dreaming
if they think they can dishonor their children, bark and bite when
they are addressing them, and then get anything less in
return.” Ouch. Epic fail on my part yesterday. When our
kids say things about us or to us, sometimes it is much easier to
live in defensive denial and not openly acknowledge the pain we have
caused. Humility accepts the possibility that there is at least a
nugget of truth in their words.
Sexuality: If
you won't listen to your teens talking about sex and then keep the
conversation going, someone else will, and it may not be as
reasonable as what you would say. They really do need to be able to
say anything to you (including, “I'm pregnant” or "I
think I'm gay") without you freaking out too much. Yes,
conversations about sexuality can be awkward for parent and child,
even if it is a six year old asking how babies are made. You could
take the initiative by finding an age appropriate resource about
sexuality and discussing it with your child, along with your own
views. That could open up the on-going conversation for them to ask
candid questions later on. If you are a conservative home schooling
parent, you are likely to hear a lot about courtship among your
circle of friends or in books, magazines and blogs. Please tread
carefully here because a lot of the teaching is legalistic,
rule-oriented and unrealistic. It can actually harm rather
than promote healthy boy/girl and marriage relationships. As I wrote
in my book The Real Life Home School Mom: “We
need to learn to finish well, with love and grace, not an obsessive
need to control the lives and destinies of our adult children. I
believe the process of our children finding their mates should be a
joyous time of following the leading of the Holy Spirit and getting
to know one another in natural ways. Yes, parents can be involved,
but we don't need to depend on legalistic regulations and
intrusions. We pray for our children, walk by faith, and wait to see
what God will accomplish.”
Spiritual
lives: Another excerpt from The Real Life Home School
Mom:“You may even find that a teen whom you thought had fully
embraced the Gospel message as their own, now realizes that he or
she had just been following along with what you taught, and now has
serious questions about whether or not it is true. Many pastors we
have known have told us this is true even in their own families, so
don’t feel like you are unspiritual. It is better for this to come
to light, rather than for a child to dwell in the false assurance
that he is a Christian just because his parents are. This is
actually a great opportunity for teaching your teen in a very
purposeful and positive (non-judgmental) way what the Christian
message is all about. There are all sorts of great apologetics books
out there that explain the truth for young people, such as the youth
editions of Lee Strobel’s books The Case for Faith, The Case for
Christ and The Case for the Creator. Please take the time to know
each child’s spiritual condition, just like a shepherd knows his
sheep. Draw them out gently in private. Make it safe to talk to you
by letting them know you are not going to intimidate or interrogate
them, and that you won’t react in massive shock if they tell you
something that you don’t want to hear. This is so important,
especially in the teen years. We all want to be our children’s
spiritual confidantes. This isn’t going to happen if we don’t
have a warm and open relationship with them.” Even if
your teens are followers of Christ, they can have differences of
opinion about what that means. I've had some interesting
conversations with some of my teens about why our family switched
churches two years ago, how that has affected people in our family,
and the pros and cons of the doctrinal emphases at each church. (For
instance, we believe in baptism by immersion on profession of faith,
but we currently attend a Presbyterian church that sprinkles
infants. Go figure! Unfortunately, we have several kids who weren't
baptized before we left the last church, and they want a good
dunking!) We have allowed our teenagers to choose which church
to attend.
Or,
as Dr. Kimmel writes, “Grace-based families make room for their
kids' opinions. They provide a safe forum in which to air their
doubts, disappointments, and even their misguided beliefs. They
especially provide an outlet for candor when their children's faith
is on trial. Strident, unadaptable Christian homes have no clue what
this looks like. They have rules that have to be kept and an image
that has to be propped up. These are families that have distilled
their faith down to a short stack of platitudes that stick like
Post-it notes on the inner walls of their souls. These are not homes
that encourage candor. They lead with critique and allow no
rebuttal. Children in strident Christian homes have neither a voice
nor a vote. For these parents, it's their way (but certainly not
“God's Way”) or the highway. If you ever want to know how to
close down your children's hearts to the deeper issues of the
Spirit, just trade authentic faith for the cheap imitation that
strident, graceless parenting has to offer.”
I
know that this book and my blog post are primarily about parenting,
but I would like to extend these three topics (relationship
disappointment, sexual issues and spiritual struggles) to marriage
and friendship. These are certainly areas that each of us needs to
be able to discuss openly with a husband or wife without fear of
ridicule or recrimination, even (and especially) when we are at our
lowest points of doubt and despair. The same is true of our friends,
to a more limited extent. I have several long-time friends who have
walked away from conservative evangelical Christianity and embraced
different worldviews and/or alternative sexual lifestyles. Usually
there is a story behind such a drastic change, such as a family
crisis or disappointments with churches. It is not my job to lecture
them or try to reconvert them, but to listen well to their story and
keep an intelligent conversation going. I find myself learning
candor and compassion as I go, sharing my own stories with them, as
friends do.
I'd
like to close this post with three Bible verses from the chapter on
candor that apply to all kinds of relationships.
“Instead,
speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him
who is the Head, that is Christ... Do not let any unwholesome talk
come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who
listen.” ” Ephesians 4:15, 29
“Let
us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may
receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Hebrews 4:16
It
is my hope that when my children talk to me, they will find grace,
mercy, and truth to meet their needs.
My
previous posts in this series are:
-
Chapter
1: "Why
Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short"
-
Chapter
2: "The
Truth Behind Grace"
-
Chapter
3: “A
Secure Love”
-
Chapter
4: "A
Significant Purpose"
-
Chapter
5: "A
Strong Hope"
You
may also wish to read these related posts:
What
do you think about all of this? Please leave a comment!
Grace,
Virginia
Between the Burqa and the Bikini: A Call to Moderate Modesty
Burqas. Bikinis. I see them both in one sweeping glance at Sea World here in
Orlando. What a juxtaposition! I should clarify and say that most of
the “burqa” wearers (if that is even the correct term) were not
completely covered. Instead of wearing the toe length flowing black
robes and veils that showed only slivers of skin with a slit or a
translucent panel for the eyes, most of them were wearing loose
fitting, thigh length, long sleeve tunics over trousers, and white or
colored head scarves. And the bikini wearers? A mix of “If you've
got it flaunt it!” and “I've still got some sense of decency.”
I
keep my eyes on the culture & theology debates on-line, and one
that has come up repeatedly in the Christian (especially home school)
crowd is the issue of modesty. You might think this would be pretty
straightforward and everyone would agree. But what modesty is can
by quite nuanced already, and when it is tied in with related
opinions on myriad other topics (as it should, being that our lives
are integrated rather than compartmentalized), then you get a whole
mess load of controversy, some of it rather sharp.
Those
on the conservative end of the spectrum believe that a Christian
woman should always wear calf length (or longer) skirts, loose
fitting shirts with at least elbow length sleeves, the more layers
the better, with muted solid colors so as not to draw any attention
to themselves, and extra points for home sewn. If they lean even more
toward Mennonite-like standards, they will also wear some sort of
head covering to show that they are properly submissive to their
husbands.
On
the liberal end of the spectrum, pretty much anything goes. Like
bikinis.
As
a mother of seven daughters and three sons, most of whom are either
teens or adults (two already married, one with two children), I have
some opinions of my own. I tend to fall somewhere in the moderate
zone, having loosened up quite a bit from 10 years ago when I pretty
much only wore calf length dresses and the “home school mommy
uniform” of denim jumpers. Some of them looked pretty
hideous, especially the on es I made. Now I usually wear capris
or loose walking shorts in warm weather, loose pants or blue jeans in
the winter, and V-neck or scoop neck shirts. Maybe it's because I'm
out of the perpetually pregnant stage, and despite my excess weight,
I am getting more comfortable with the shape of my own body. Still,
my swimsuit has a nearly knee length skirt, and I wear a black
camisole under it to raise the neck-line. No bikinis for me. That's
an act of mercy on my part, as much as it is an attempt at moderate
modesty.
Body
shape aside, if I had to choose to wear either a bikini or
a tunic and a veil, I know I'd go with the latter for modesty's
sake, even if it seems a bit extreme for the American culture. But
that would be my choice in a false dichotomy. In the real
world, I don't have to wear either a burqa or a bikini, and I don't.
While I am still pretty careful to be modest in what I wear, I am not
hung up on picky rules or fears, nor do I strictly enforce particular
standards on my daughters.
What
bothers me is not how some conservative folks dress ultra
modestly. I respect and admire that, if that is what is really in
their hearts to do as an expression of who they are. The problem is
when it becomes another self-righteous standard to check off on a
list of “If You Want to Be Truly Godly” behaviors. Often, the
women in these groups are exhorted to dress a certain way to conform
to the expectations of others, and they in turn exercise the same
kind of pressure on their own peers. It can become a form of strident
one-upmanship and cliquishness. Worse, it can cause alienation and
hostility toward (and from) non-compliant newcomers or teens who are
learning to evaluate for themselves what they have always been
taught. These kinds of rules love company, so it's not just the
modesty. It's all the other baggage that can come with it, much of it
based on fear: of messing up, causing others to stumble, or appearing
to be worldly. Or it may be based on pride: of being the elite ones
who get it right, being holier and homier than thou. Please don't
hear me saying that all people who dress modestly are self-righteous
or legalistic! That is far from the truth! It's just tragic when a
church or Christian movement becomes centered more on the outward
rules and less about worshiping Jesus with our hearts.
On
the other hand, while I am not about to call a girl a whore if I see
more cleavage than I personally think is appropriate, I think too
many who identify themselves as Christ-followers throw off common
decency in the way they dress. They might think: “If a guy has a
problem with my body hanging out all over the place, that's his
fault, not mine.” While we should live under liberty instead of
law, we shouldn't trade in our liberty for licentiousness. I do not
think a man should ever sexually harass a woman no matter what
she is wearing, but let's get real. If you dress provocatively, you
are advertising that you are cheap goods. It might be false
advertising if you really aren't loose with sexual activity, but
you are appearing that way. Like it or not, you shouldn't be
surprised if men – even Christian ones - don't treat you with
respect.
I
think modesty is mostly just learning what is appropriate for each
situation and dressing accordingly. I could write a whole lot
more, and I haven't said much about the closely related issue of
femininity, but I've pretty much said my piece for now.
Instead, I'd like to share several web links about the topic of
modesty. Please note that these links are “all over the place” on
what they endorse, and I do not agree with everything in them! I'm
just trying to present a fair balance, starting with pro-more-modesty
links. Also keep in mind that several of these links specifically
address the issue of whether lust, sexual harrassment, or rape can be
blamed on immodesty.
Pro-Modesty
Blogs (Nice Ones!)
-
Teaching
Modesty to Our Daughters at
Raising Homemakers -- This is a single post but you will find many
more on this site. They also have a weekly link up party and many of
the linked posts are about modesty. I regularly link there.
-
The
Modest Mom blog
by Caroline – she sponsors regular link-ups to other blog posts
about modesty as well -
She
Shall Be Called Woman blog posts on Modesty
Other
Links
Modesty:
A Heart Issue by
Rachel Miller at the Aquila Report “To seek to adorn ourselves with
a “gentle and quiet spirit” is something to aspire to for all of
our lives. When we focus on developing an inner beauty that does not
fade with time, we will find that our priorities and goals in life
will change. Dressing “sexy” or “provocatively” to get
attention will not hold the same allure. Our sons, too, will learn to
value women not simply for their outward appearance, if we teach them
look for the qualities that God finds precious.”
Mixed-Messages
of Modesty by
Rachel Ramer: “While immodest apparel focuses attention on women as
sexual objects, obsessive teaching on dress codes creates the same
focus. Preachers and other spiritual leaders reinforce the
destructive message that women and girls are so distracting sexually
that they must be covered up beyond cultural sensibilities.”
Modesty
and Purity Standards: Screwing Up Men, Objectifying Women by
Amy at Just A(my's) Blog
Excellent
series on modesty by Becky at Created to Be His:
-
Modesty
Part 1: Godly Garments -
-
Modesty
Part 3: Straining Gnats, Swallowing Camels As
examples of how NOT to approach modesty, this particular post links
to several pro-modesty posts that are much more strident in tone. -
Modesty
Part 4: Of Prodigals and Pharisees -
-
Modesty
Part 6: Blame it on Bathsheba?
Five
Problems I Have with Slutwalk Marches by
Mary Kassian – be sure to read the comments! Then read responses at
the Emotional Abuse and Your Faith blog: Adventures
in Missing The Point and
Slutwalk
Myths Encouraged By CBMW
My
Prayer for Christian Fundamentalist Leaders by
Wendy Horger Alsup at Practical Theology for Women
A
Legalist Goes Shopping at
Recovering Grace, a web site for those negatively affected by the
teachings of Bill Gothard, ATI, and IBLP
Finally,
a little poem/song I wrote many years ago. You can see my comments
about it here: A
Woman of Beauty.
A
Woman of Beauty
by
Virginia Knowles
A beautiful woman is quiet in spirit
Gentle
in all that she does.
Adorning the inward part
She trusts the
Lord with all her heart.
She is a woman of beauty!
She is
a woman of beauty!
She does not need ornaments of fancy
gold
And it's not in how she fixes her hair.
As long as she's
clothed in strength and dignity,
It doesn't matter what else she
wears.
A beautiful woman is quiet in spirit
Gentle in
all that she does.
Adorning the inward part
She trusts the Lord
with all her heart.
She is a woman of beauty!
She is a woman of
beauty!
What
do you think? Leave a comment! If you have strong feelings on this
subject either way, please remember that I would like to keep this as
a cordial dialogue!
Virginia
Knowles
Other Recent Blog Posts
- Weekend Gratitude: Sundae Sunday, Little Gem, and a Prayer for Eagle includes a YouTube of "Everlasting God" at the end -- my little girl has been sitting on my lap, reading the words on the screen and singing along with me. Sweet!
- Weekend Gratitude: Family Reunion in Pennsylvania a photo post from a wonderful trip
- Weekend Gratitude: A Healthy Heart So I did my time in the hospital a month ago... What makes women different from men when it comes to heart attack symptoms and risks? What happens when you go to the ER with chest pains? And just why was I having so much fun with my iPod in the middle of it all?
Weekend Images photo post, mostly from Sea World
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- Curiosity Journal for June and July An eclectic mix of thoughts on what I'm
Reading, Learning, Playing, Reacting, and Writing. Oh, and a little theological controversy ala Wilson & Wilson thrown in for good measure.
- Not (Usually) My Cup of Tea Can you still enjoy something you wouldn't ordinarily pick?
- Balloons Over Broadway by Cheryl Bastian
May God bless you and your family abundantly, now and always,
Virginia Knowles
Weekend Images photo post, mostly from Sea World
Reading, Learning, Playing, Reacting, and Writing. Oh, and a little theological controversy ala Wilson & Wilson thrown in for good measure.
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