DEALING WITH ANGER
Posted by: henkf <henkf@...>
DEALING WITH ANGER
Matthew 18:21-35
I read a story about a man who had a problem with cursing. It had been growing worse, and finally one of his friends awakened him to his problem. He became greatly concerned about it, and decided to see his minister for help. After discussing the problem at length with the preacher, he was not satisfied with anything that the minister had offered in the way of advice. He was a practical man, and he wanted a practical solution. So the wise pastor, seeing this, suggested that every time he felt like cursing, he should sing a hymn. This sounded good to the man, but unfortunately, he didn't know many hymns. So the preacher gave him a hymn book and sent him on his way. A few days later, the man returned. His face was beaming.
"How are you doing?" asked the pastor.
"Pretty good," was the reply. "I think I've made some real progress. But I'm ready for a new hymn book." (William E. Thorn, CATCH THE LITTLE FOXES THAT SPOIL THE VINE, (Old Tappan, N.J: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1980). )
The great American statesman, Thomas Jefferson, also had a way to handle anger. He included it in His "Rules of Living," which describes how he believed adult men and women should live. This is what he wrote:
When angry, count ten before you speak;
If very angry, a hundred.
Mark Twain, about seventy-five years later, revised Jefferson's words. He wrote:
When angry, count four.
When very angry, swear. (Charles R. Swindoll, TWO STEPS FORWARD: TWO STEPS BACK, (New York: Bantam Books, 1980). )
Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with anger and resentment. Some handle it by swearing. Others handle it differently, like in the old story about a Quaker woman. Once while she was out, a person not of her faith began calling her names and making fun of her, although she continued to smile sweetly. After this test, a young Christian, much impressed, asked her how she could keep her temper with all of that.
Still smiling, she replied, "Ah, thee didn't see the boiling inside!"
All of us, at some time or other, experience anger, resentment, hostility, and rage. So we must ask ourselves how we should deal with it. And deal with it we must, for anger is destructive.
Dr. Redford B. Williams, Jr. of Duke University reports that anger or hostility is as harmful to our bodies--particularly our hearts--as smoking and high blood pressure. At an American Heart Association seminar, Williams described research on hostility as measured by the widely used Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. A study of 255 physicians, who had taken this test as medical students, found a death rate of 14 percent over the next 25 years among those with hostility scores in the upper 50 percent; while those who scored lower had only a 2-1/2 percent death rate. Heart disease was five times as common among the hostile group.
We are told that a rattle snake, if cornered, will bite itself. Anger and resentment are like that. They are destructive. And not only in our relationships with others, but to ourselves as well. And thus we ask, "How do we deal with anger in a constructive way? What are some guidelines?"
WELL, IN THE FIRST PLACE, WE NEED TO SEE THAT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN PEOPLE OUGHT TO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER.
That is something that a lot of good, sweet, nice, decent people need to realize. When Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, he did not mean for us to become doormats for everyone to walk on. Certainly he was no doormat. Remember how he drove the tax collectors out of the temple? So, obviously, there are times when we must express our anger.
In a book on anger by Dr. Carol Tarvis, we find the story of a Swami at a village temple in Bengal, who claimed to have mastered anger. When his ability to control his anger was challenged, he told the story of a cobra who used to sit by the path and bite people on their way to the temple. The Swami went to visit with the snake to end the problem. Using a mantra, he called the snake to him and brought him into submission. Telling the snake that it was wrong to bite people, the Swami persuaded it to promise never to do it again. And when the people saw that the snake now made no move to bite them, they grew unafraid. And before long the village boys were tormenting the poor snake by dragging it through the village. Later the Swami again visited the snake to see if he had kept his promise. He found the snake miserable and hurting. The Swami, on seeing this, exclaimed, "You are bleeding. Tell me how this has come to be." The snake was in anguish and blurted out that he had been abused ever since he was caused to make his promise to the Swami.
To which the swami said, "I told you not to bite, but I did not tell you not to hiss." (As told by Lance Webb in MAKING LOVE GROW, (Nashville: the Upper Room, 1983). ) We need to know that it is all right to hiss when we are being abused or taken advantage of. We need to express our anger in the face of evil.
A. Powell Davies writes: "That is one of the truly serious things that has happened to the multitude of so-called ordinary people. They have forgotten how to be indignant. This is not because they are overflowing with human kindness, but because they are morally soft and compliant. When they see evil and injustice, they are pained but not revolted. They mutter and mumble; they never cry out. They commit the sin of not being angry.
"Yet their anger is the one thing above all others that would make them count. If they cannot lead crusades or initiate reforms, they can at least create the conditions in which crusades can be effectual and reforms successful. The wrath of the multitude could bring back decency and integrity into public life; it could frighten the corrupt demagogue into silence and blast the rumor-monger into oblivion. It could give honest leaders a chance to win." (A. Powell Davies, THE TEMPTATION TO BE GOOD, (Boston: Beacon, 1965). )
There are times when anger needs to be expressed. Remember that even anger is a gift from God. It can be a great motivating force in life.
Martin Luther once said, "When I am angry I can pray well and preach well." Channing Pollock once said, "Men and motorcars progress by a series of internal explosions." Anger is only our enemy when we let it get out of control, or even worse, when it controls us. But the first guideline is this: there are times when anger needs to be expressed. The little Quaker lady who is smiling on the outside and boiling on the inside should use her anger constructively.
There is a second guideline, equally as important. It is this:
ANGER NEEDS TO BE RESOLVED AT THE FIRST POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY.
Jesus tells us that when we have something against a brother, or he against us, to resolve it as quickly as possible. Anger is most destructive when it is allowed to lie dormant for a long time and fester like an infected wound.
In his book, THE GREAT DIVORCE, C.S. Lewis tells the story of a visitor who is permitted to be a temporary guest in hell. At one point, the visitor accompanies a busload of damned souls who are taken to heaven, where they each have the privilege of staying if they choose. The book considers the stories of these passengers, telling why they would rather not stay in heaven! One of these is a woman whose husband had treated her shabbily on earth, who decides that she would rather burn in hell than forgive her husband. (C. S. Lewis, THE GREAT DIVORCE, (New York: Macmillan, 1946). )
I have seen people with that kind of anger--that kind of resentment within them. And the results are often so tragic.
Some time ago I heard about two unmarried sisters who inherited the old family homestead when their parents died. They lived together in peace for several years, but one day they had a disagreement that soon led to a heated dispute. The dispute was so sharp that they refused to speak to each other, but even this barrier did not satisfy them. They decided to build a dividing wall through the house. Each sister had her own separate bedroom already, but the living room, dining room, and kitchen were divided in half by a wall.
Well, this created something of a problem in the kitchen because the pump was on one side of the wall and the cook stove was on the other. But even this serious inconvenience was not great enough to break down their stubborn pride, and so they managed to get along. The sister with the stove walked several hundred feet to a neighbour’s house for water while the sister with the pump cooked her meals on a little charcoal burner.
Then one day tragedy struck. One of the sisters had a stroke that left her paralysed and speechless. She had no way of summoning help from her sister who was only a few feet away on the other side of the wall, and in a few hours she died. The living sister, realizing that her stubbornness had contributed to her sister's death, was so guilt-ridden that within a few weeks she also died. (James I. Fehl, Editor, STANDARD LESSON COMMENTARY, 1982-83, (Cincinnati: Standard Publishing Company, 1982). )
Tragedy so often results from unresolved anger and resentment. Remember the old adage--never let the sun set on your anger. It is a good principle for everyone concerned. It's good for your marriage, your family, your heart, your health, your business, and your relationships.
And this brings us to our final guideline for today:
UNRESOLVED ANGER IS A SPIRITUAL PROBLEM.
Anger not only affects our health and our relationships with others, it is important in our relationship with God. Jesus told an amusing but profound parable about a man who owed his master the equivalent of 100 million dollars. His master forgave him his debt. But then this man turned right around and went to a man who owed him about 2 thousand dollars and had him thrown into jail for non-payment.
So it is with us, Jesus says. God has forgiven us completely--He has blotted out our past--He has accepted us just as we are--and He calls us to forgive others as well. In the Lord's Prayer, Jesus taught us these words, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." In other words, if we can't forgive others, how can we be forgiven ourselves?
When Leonardo da Vinci was painting his great masterpiece, "The Last Supper," he became quite angry with a certain man. He lashed him with bitter words and threatened the man with vengeance. But when the great painter returned to his canvas and began to paint the face of Jesus, he found that he could not compose himself for the delicate work before him. It was not until he had sought out the man and asked forgiveness that he found himself in possession of that inner peace which enabled him to give the Master's face the tender and delicate expression that he knew it must have. (William Edward Bierderwolf, THE MAN WHO SAID HE WOULD.)
So it is with us. We must also learn how to forgive as God forgives us. There are times when the most blessed saint must express his or her anger. It is not good to allow our anger to fester and grow. Somehow, for our own sake as well as for the sake of others, we must learn to forgive.
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