Quote from Forum Archives on June 25, 2001, 12:09 pm

Posted by: homenews <homenews@...>

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HOPE CHEST HOME SCHOOL NEWS
SPECIAL EDITION
JUNE 25, 2001
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Dear Hope Chest friends,

I know this will be an unpleasant topic, but please read through to the
end, because I think what I have to say is important. The regular
Hope Chest newsletter will be sent around July 5th.

Like you, I am deeply grieved by the news of the Houston home
school mother murdering her five children. I grieve for the precious
children, and I grieve for the rest of the family, guilty or innocent.
I
grieve also for the other mothers of the world who go through the
horror of serious depression, postpartum or otherwise. I have done a
lot of soul-searching in the past few days. I have read about this story
backwards and forwards everywhere I could find information; there
are so many opinions that I am wrestling among lots of different
impressions. I really don’t know quite what to think about this sad
story, and yet I can’t leave it there. I am compelled to write. Why?
We must be READY to minister to struggling women. If we aren’t
prepared for potential crises, and alert enough to recognize them
before they get out of hand, we may be caught totally off guard.

Home school moms sometimes feel like they are immune to serious
emotional problems. This is just not true. I’ve heard from many of our
readers who have suffered debilitating depression and despair. It
wasn’t like anything they had ever felt before. The temptation is to
deny or hide these devastating feelings instead of dealing with them
directly in a healing way. Part of it is the Super Mom Syndrome. We
have to prove that we have it all together. We don’t want anyone to
think that the home schooling lifestyle doesn’t work. We don’t want
anyone to question how fit we are to be mothers at all. But it is truth
that sets us free, even uncomfortable truth!

I see the pressure we face to be perfect parents. Yes, having
character-filled children is our noble goal, the high ideal for us to
pursue. But without the mercy and grace of God, it is impossible. We
can not make our children righteous. We can not even make
ourselves righteous. Only the blood of Jesus -- washing away our
sins, and then transforming us “from glory to glory” bit by bit -- can do
that. If we feel that we have failed in our attempts to raise children,
we can lean hard on the grace of God to redeem the lost time and
shepherd them past our mistakes.

With the input of several home school moms who have had serious
depression episodes, I have some words of advice to moms who are
suffering, as well as to those of us who can minister to them.

If you are struggling emotionally or spiritually or in any other way, do
not be ashamed to ask for help! Your sanity and your children are
more important than your reputation! You will not be equipped to
home school your children if you have an emotional breakdown. Take
care of the problem when it is small, before it gets totally
unmanageable. Ask for help until someone takes you seriously -- and
then keep asking until you get what you need. Do not merely drop
hints as a bid for attention. Speak out as clearly and specifically as
you can about what your problem is. When you are being treated
professionally, insist that both you and your loved ones know what is
going on, what the counseling or medications will or will not do, any
risk of side effects, how to recognize danger signals, and so forth.
You may be in a complete fog, and not even believe that your misery
could ever end positively. There is help. There is hope. Here are
two postpartum depression links:
www.depressionafterdelivery.com
www.chss.iup.edu/postpartum/

If you are having a tough time coping with life, and would like to
listen to the tape "Nurturing Naomi: How to Help Yourself or
Someone Else Overcome Discouragement", just e-mail me,
and I will send you a copy.

Now, for those of us who are in a position to minister to other moms
who are struggling with depression or other issues. May God give us
eyes to see, hearts to love, feet to go (toward, not away!), voices to
encourage, arms to embrace, hands to help.

Make a point of noticing people around you. Get to know the new
ladies in your group, or the moms who are on the fringe, or the one
who seems unusually remote or fatigued. I’m not talking about being
nosy and intrusive. I an encouraging us to be sensitive and to bear
one another’s burdens. If you suspect that your friend has a problem,
get your resources ready, and then ask her gently if there is some way
you can help. Let her know that it is safe to trust you, and then prove
it by being trustworthy. No gossip, no slander, no shaming, no finger
pointing. Do not tell them just to “snap out of it.” They can’t. Do
not
accuse them of being spiritually deficient. Depression strikes even
the most devout. (Think of Elijah. God ministered to him with food,
water, rest, and the quiet whisper of his presence.) Speak the truth in
love. Many women who have suffered depression have told me some
of the keys to their recovery. One of them is that their friends were
there for them, in comforting and practical ways, on a very regular
basis. They would take the children out for a few hours or clean
house or bring a meal or listen to woes. This is love -- deeds, not just
words.

I do not suffer from any serious depression (though I do have my
fleeting “down” times), but I am thankful that the women in my church
are so sensitive and kind to me. If they see that I am having a hard
time, they offer prayer, listening ears, babysitting, and help with such
pragmatic things as painting a dismal bedroom. This has been such a
ministry of encouragement to me. How much more so to a mom who
is barely hanging on!

I also think that leaders of each support group should have ready the
name and phone number of a qualified Christian counselor who is
supportive of home schooling. It has to be somebody that women can
trust, or they are not likely to go. For confidentiality purposes, they
may feel more comfortable if the person is someone who does not
already know them. If they are feeling down to begin with, it’s hard for
them to get up the energy and confidence to find any place to call. So
if a trusted support group leader has this information ready, and drops
a hint at a meeting or in a newsletter that this is available, it will
make
it that much easier for a mom to get some help.

I know that some women do not believe that going to a psychiatrist
and taking medication is the right path. I do respect that opinion. But
for so many devout Christians, this has been the key to recovery. I
would be totally remiss to leave that out. Depression is such a
complex issue. It’s body, mind and spirit mixed together. We need a
wholistic approach. If you find a natural supplement or herb that
works for you, that’s great! But please don’t criticize those who need
something more powerful to even function on a daily basis. Recovery
is a bumpy road. Let’s not make it harder for people.

I will close this message with verbatim comments from three home
school moms:

A mom who had PPD after her twins’ birth says, “Don't ask if
someone needs help (remember, they are in denial!) just TELL them
or SHOW up and help! If you wait for a response, you'll be waiting
forever!”

Another mom says, “When I went through this a few years ago, Psalm
43 was a great comfort to me. Also helpful was a book called
"Happiness is a Choice" by Minerith and Meyer.”

The third mom, whose depression was not PPD, says:

What doesn't help:

1. Mindless platitudes - i.e. "You just need to rest in the Lord." People
who are really depressed are incapable of much action. It is even hard
to reach out, because the despair is too great.

2. Judgemental attitudes - i.e. "If you were right with God..." It has
little
to do with where a person is spiritually. This is a chemical imbalance.
Granted, stresses in a person's life may trigger the imbalance, but it
would be too far gone for this kind of statement. It is hard to reach out
to God too, and make changes in terms of spiritual activities. You may
see someone who has become depressed reduce or stop church
activities. I think this is a symptom and not a cause. It becomes a
contributing factor when the person has to deal with other's attitudes
about not participating.

What does help:

Reach out, reach out, reach out. You will have to make the effort. You
have to see yourself as reaching your hand through the fog to the
other person. They will not seek you out in most cases. It is OK, or
was for me, to acknowledge the feelings of depression the other
person is experiencing. Help them find an out. Be persistent. Go to
them. They will not come to you. Drop by, take them out of the house,
find an activity. Helping a depressed person takes tremendous
commitment and time. It may require a tough love intervention where
you sit down with the person and lay it on the line.

What worked for me, specifically:

1. A short course of antidepressants: 6 weeks

2. Removing the stressors which triggered the depression, if possible.
I left my job. Yes, it was a drastic move, but I could no longer function
effectively, and was of little use to anyone.

3. Seeking help: Some friends made me get counseling. By that I
mean that they sat me down and said,"We're worried, you will get
help. Call now, set it up for today." I have a dear friend who is a
licensed counselor. He helped me acknowledge the depression and
take steps to change my reactions to stress. He helped me see that
there was an end to the tunnel, and that there might actually even be
light there too.

4. Learning Mercy: So many people, and Christians especially, have
very high expectations of themselves and by extension of others. We
allow little room for mistakes, especially in ourselves. I learned that
unless I learned to extend myself a little mercy that I could never
extend mercy to another. That doesn't mean accepting or excusing
sin, but rather acknowledging my humanity and forgiving myself as the
Lord does. It has been a life changing revelation. And something I
work on constantly.

~~~~~

I am thankful that these women came forward to share their
experience with us. There is life after depression!

If you have read this far, I commend you. Ask God for wisdom to
encourage yourself and others. You can make a difference in
somebody’s life if you are sensitive, willing, and prepared. May God
have mercy on us all.

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles
www.hopechest.homestead.com/welcome.html