Very Useful Tips
Posted by: tz8cy5 <tz8cy5@...>
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog
turd into the bath.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.
Just tell the interviewer that you wish to find something more meaningful
to do in life now that you've made your fortune.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by
will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2 days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or
kitchen knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to
turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the
escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your turn
signals for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're going.
SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go
for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the
front window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in
the garage.
TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which
items you have recently used up.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting
them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way
you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a
red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).