Growing Through The Pain Growing Through The Pain
By Anita Worthen as told to Bob Davies
My son, a homosexual? I felt overwhelmed with guilt and shame-andI determined to “fix” him, no matter what it took.
When my 16-year-old son, Tony, began staying out all night, I gotreally worried. I didn’t even know the names of his friends, and oneday I slipped into his bedroom to find out what was going on.
I found a slip of paper in his wallet, and began scribbling downthe names and phone numbers. Suddenly Tony walked in. “Whaddya thinkyou’re doing?” he yelled, his eyes blazing. I could feel my faceflush with embarrassment, but I kept my voice calm. “Tony, I want toknow where you are. When you don’t come home, I’ve got to know who tocall.”
We argued for several minutes, then he dropped the bombshell.”Well, you know I’m gay, don’t you?”
My mind froze. Tony began filling the awkward silence withhorrifying details. Three months before, he’d been hitchhiking homewhen a school counselor had picked him up and seduced him. Now heaccepted his “new” identity and was getting to know otherhomosexuals.
“And, Mom,” he concluded, “I’ve found the man of my dreams.Everything’s going to be all right now!”
In the days following, I was haunted by every mistake I’d evermade as a mother. I thought back to the beginning, when I’d eloped atage 18 with my boyfriend, Kenny. Actually, we never got around tomaking our marriage “official”-and soon afterward, I got pregnant.
“How can I know this baby is mine?” Kenny asked me one day, and Iwas devastated. That night, I slit my wrist, although I didn’t reallywant to die. As the blood ran down my arm, I pictured myself in a bighospital bed with clean white sheets. Kenny entered the room and felldown at my side. “Anita,” he sobbed, “how could you do this? Ibelieve you now. You do love me, and this is my baby.”
Instead of my little fantasy, I was admitted to the hospital’spsych ward, where everyone was wandering around in crumpled greengowns. I managed to get out before Kenny came to visit.
I moved home with my parents. Everyone assumed that I was nowdivorced. I hid the fact that I was actually an unwed expectantmother.
After Tony’s birth in the county hospital, I drifted back into thewrong crowd. Soon I was experimenting with drugs like marijuana andLSD.
The next few years were terribly lonely. I managed to maintain mysocial life by working out a deal with my little brother: I gave himdrugs, and he looked after Tony while I went out and partied.
Then my brother became a Christian, and turned into a radical”Jesus freak.” My mother was worried sick about him, but his lifegave me a secret hope: If he could change, maybe I could too.
One night I went with my brother to a Bible study. It was hisbirthday, and I attended as a “gift” to him. Little did I know theimpact that evening would have on my life. I noticed somethingdifferent in the people. I didn’t know exactly what it was, but Iknew that I wanted it.
I went home and started talking to God. “I’ve been doing it myway, but now I’m willing to try Your way.” I told God that I wouldfollow Him for three months. If it didn’t work, I would go back to myold ways.
In the following weeks, I sensed a new power in my life to makeright choices. I knew right from wrong. I quit drugs and avoidedparty music on the radio which reminded me of evenings spent at thecocktail lounges.
Then Tony and I joined a close-knit Christian discipleshipministry called Shiloh. It was a very supportive environment for asingle mother. I prayed every night that God would be a husband to meand a father to my son. I worked with other single mothers in mychurch, and others held me up as the perfect example of singleparenthood.
But after several years of ministry, I began feeling “burned out.”My Christian walk turned wishy-washy. I would go to work, come home,sit in front of the TV, and drag myself to church on Sunday morning.
Then God allowed some difficult circumstances to enter my life,and I felt convicted about my compromised spiritual walk. I starteddrawing close to the Lord again, praying and reading my Bible. Oh, atfirst it was dry! But as I started doing these things, I felt arenewed closeness with God, and His power returned to my life.
As my spiritual eyes were opened again, I saw that my relationshipwith my son was not good. We had grown far apart. Tony had acquired alot of new friends who I didn’t know. Soon afterward, I wasdevastated by Tony’s confession of homosexual involvement. “I don’tunderstand this,” I told him that day, “but I love you and we’ll workit out.”
My response was the only thing that I did right for the next twoweeks. I had no wisdom at all on how to deal with this situation. Ionly knew one thing: I would do anything to stop that man fromputting his arms around my son ever again.
Then I came up with the perfect solution: We’d kidnap Tony! Iphoned one of my brothers, who arranged to fly Tony to anotherbrother’s in central Oregon. The next day when Tony arrived home fromschool, we loaded all his things into a car and drove him to theairport. Before Tony knew what hit him, he was on his way to Oregon!
I thought the whole problem was solved. Tony’s gay friends were inCalifornia, and now he was 1100 miles away in a little Oregon town.Perfect! My brother promised to look after Tony until I could jointhem.
I was immensely relieved, especially after my brother’s phone callthe next day. “Tony has gone to a church,” he reported. “Praise God,everything is going to be OK.”
The day after that, he called again. “Anita, I have some bad news.You know that church that Tony is attending? Well, it’s a homosexualchurch.”
I felt sick. The problem was much deeper than outwardcircumstances. This situation was going to be more difficult to fixthan I thought.
Immediately I gave my notice at work. I think they were relievedwhen I finally left two weeks later; I cried continually and walkedaround in a fog the whole time. Unfortunately, there was no one toencourage me, and I was overwhelmed with guilt. “This might neverhave happened if you’d gotten married,” I lectured myself.
My handsome son had always been the pride of my life; now I was soashamed of him. I was certain no other Christian mother had everfound herself in my situation.
Once back in Oregon, I joined my old church. I went forcounseling, but all the counselor could do was read the Scriptures onhomosexuality. He meant well, but hearing about men lusting after oneanother was not what I needed. Inside, I felt like I was dying.
I even had a hard time going to church. Sitting in the service,I’d see the “normal” young men in front of me, and I’d burst intotears and have to leave. My son was abnormal-and nobody could tell methings would ever change.
After six months of turmoil, I heard about Love In Action.Something heavy lifted off my shoulders as I read testimonies of menand women who had been set free. Finally I had hope-both for me andmy son.
Life returned to my weary spirit. Now I wanted to help everybody.I especially wanted to reach out to other mothers. The Lord led me toa Christian counselor in Eugene who agreed to be my spiritualcovering in ministry. Soon we launched a parents’ support group.Then, after a year of preparation, we brought some Love In Actionstaff to our city for a church seminar. It was an exciting time.
Things were much improved for me. I could honestly say, “Becauseof what happened to my son, I am a better person.” My walk with theLord was so much stronger. “Wishy-washy” wouldn’t do anymore; I hadto cling to Him.
About this time, I faced some difficult questions: If my son wasstill homosexual ten years from now, where would I be? Was I going tobase my whole life on waiting for the day he would turn around? Iknew my answer. No, I had to go on. I had a life outside of Tony; mylife was centered in Christ.
To free myself for ministry during the day, I took a night job ina little restaurant. When I applied for the job, the boss asked me,”Do you know this is a homosexual hangout at night?” I went, “Acchh!”Then came the thought, I must be able to handle it for God to put mehere.
One night a group of gays came in, and I was on the other side ofthe restaurant. One of them said in a loud voice, “Which one isTony’s mom?” I turned about three shades of red. After that, I didn’thave to worry about my co-workers finding out about Tony. The newsspread through the restaurant like a prairie grass fire.
Meanwhile, Tony and I were re-establishing our life together. Ihad a growing realization: Tony is a person, not just a homosexual.At the restaurant, I grew to love the gay kids. I would hug them,bring them home and feed them. They knew I was a Christian; somewould introduce me to their mothers and I would minister to them.
In 1983, I moved down to southern California to help my mom adjustto retirement. Inside, I felt a real emptiness from missing thosehomosexual kids. Then I got to know Frank Worthen, the founder ofLove In Action. I was helping Barbara Johnson, who had a ministry toparents, and she played matchmaker by sending Frank and me toDisneyland for a day. My relationship with Frank quickly deepened,and before long, marriage was in the air.
When I went up to San Rafael to visit, I saw how God had beenpreparing me. The guys in the Love In Action program filled the emptyplace in my heart left by my “kids” back in Oregon. The Lord hadprepared me for Frank, giving me such a love for him and the wholeLove In Action ministry, too. It was a wonderful “package deal.”
Since getting married to Frank on November 24, 1984, God hascontinued to unfold exciting things in my life. After I worked in theLIA office for six years, God directed Frank and me to move toManila. In January 1991, we launched “Bagong Pag-asa,” a ministry of”New Hope” to homosexuals in the Philippines who desire freedom.
“What has happened to Tony?” many parents ask me. My son is stillin the homosexual lifestyle. However, we have a good relationship andI believe that one day, Tony will see the emptiness of his lifestyleand turn to God. I also know that I can’t make that happen, so Ileave him in the care of One who loves him even more than I do.
Of course, my son and Frank understand each other very well. AndTony teases me: “Mom, if it hadn’t been for me, you wouldn’t bemarried!”
The experiences of my life have sometimes been very painful, butthey have caused me to grow, and have given me a special sensitivityto others who are hurting. Only the Lord could take such deep trialsand turn them into blessings. I thank Him every day for what He hasdone.
Anita Worthen co-directs New Hope Ministries with herhusband Frank Worthen, founder and former director of Love In Action.Copyright 1991 by Bob Davies. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box753307 Memphis, TN 38175-3307