The Search for Father’s Love The Search for Father’s Love
By Penny Dalton
I knew that unless I forgave my parents, especially Dad, I’d bestuck forever in bitterness and hatred.
I was three months old when my dad left for World War II, andthree-and-a-half years old when he returned. At his homecoming, Istood at the top of the stairs-leaning over the railing as he enteredthe foyer below-and said, “Hi, Daddy! Are you my daddy?” Thisemotional distance existed in our relationship most of my life.
I remember hardly anything about my early years until I was aboutseven years old. One night, at bedtime, Dad came to say goodnight tomy sister and me. After we said our prayers, he turned out the lightsand left-or so I thought. A while later he let out a scary yell,which frightened me terribly. Then he laughed. Apparently thisscenario happened often, for I distinctly remember fearing that Dadwas always in my room at night.
Dad’s work took him out of the house for days on end, and when hewas home on weekends we would all be afraid of him. He disciplined usheavily. He never hit us, but his verbal abuse sunk deep into oursouls. And Dad drank a lot. He got ugly when he drank-slamming doorsand verbally putting down my mom in very sarcastic ways.
Our family didn’t know how to communicate. We never talked aboutour feelings. I could only talk with Mom, and we always tried to workout what was wrong with Dad. He was so “shut down” emotionally, andwe blamed him for everything.
Dad and I loved each other, despite his faults and my fears. Partof me admired him. He had a lot of good qualities-when he wasn’tdrinking. He was clean and neat, always on time, and a man of hisword. But he was also a perfectionist, and I lived under the constantfear of doing something wrong.
During the years before adolescence, I was a loner, except for one”special girl friend,” which led to sexual attraction andexploration.
The most devastating times for me came during my early teens. Theneighbor couple became my parents’ weekend “drinking buddies.” Dadstarted having an affair with the wife, which caused turmoil withinour family. I felt betrayed and confused. I had loved this neighborwoman a lot, but I came to hate her. I had loved my dad, too, butalso began hating him.
Then Dad’s sexual advances began. No intercourse ever took place,but we did just about every other kind of sexual act. I was afraid ofDad, so I wouldn’t speak up against what he was doing. Meanwhile, Iwas angry at my mom. Where is she? Why can’t she figure out what Dadis doing to me? Who can help me? What can I do?
I felt so violated, both emotionally and physically, that Icouldn’t stand looking at Dad or even being in the same room withhim.
During adolescence, homosexual feelings surfaced in me. I wasfilled with insecurity, not sure about who I was or what would happenin my life. I was detached from Mom, hated Dad, and wanted to hurtthem both. So I felt justified in doing whatever I wanted-includingthe pursuit of a lesbian relationship.
The first one lasted nine years. In that time, I drank heavily andalso took “recreational” drugs. I knew something was wrong, but myemotions were so buried that I couldn’t “feel” anything butemptiness.
Eventually I ended up in a psychiatric ward, diagnosed as severelyschizophrenic. During that period, I experienced a terrible break-upwith my lover, and got involved in a new relationship. A new start! Abrighter future! For a year-and-a-half we tried, but failed. We wereboth headstrong. I was afraid and scared, miserable and dead inside.The void within me was so vast, so black, that nothing seemed to fillit.
I tried reading the Bible, but couldn’t understand it. Then oneday I heard a song about Jesus, and my “spiritual ears” were opened.A few weeks later I experienced the most frightening vision of blackemptiness I’d ever known. But I also felt an overwhelming presence ofpeace and warmth which I now recognize as the Holy Spirit. Isurrendered, and instantly knew my problem: I was separated from God.
Somehow I knew that I needed Jesus to connect me with God, so Iasked Jesus to enter my life and make me into the person He wanted. Ibegan to experience the inner peace I’d been looking for all my life.
Ironically, my lover accepted Christ as Savior approximately twoweeks before I did. Neither one of us knew of the other’s conversionuntil we found each other reading the Bible. Changes started deepwithin each of us.
More than anything, I wanted to please God. As I grew, two thingshappened. First, the Lord began a divine division between my loverand me. Eventually we stopped sleeping together. Second, the HolySpirit swiftly convicted me of my need to honor my parents (Eph6:2-3). I knew that unless I forgave my parents, especially Dad, Iwould be stuck forever in bitterness and hatred.
I took God’s Word seriously. I wanted to experience peace in myparental relationships. I wanted to be free from the ugly memories.But my pain ran deep. Just thinking about my dad, I would almostthrow up. Yet Jesus had forgiven me, so I knew I must also forgiveDad.
In the beginning, though, I didn’t understand forgiveness. Ithought that if I forgave Dad, I’d be re-opening all the emotionalareas that he had violated-that I’d be exposing myself again to hishurting me. Finally I realized that forgiveness doesn’t mean agreeingwith what some person did to me. Nor does it mean that what they diddoesn’t matter.
No, forgiveness was simply choosing to release Dad from myvengeance. That enabled me to begin removing the hardness from myheart and clearing my communication with the Lord.
Then I pleaded with God to give me a new heart for my father. Eventhough I’d forgiven him, I kept seeing pictures in my mind ofterrible events involving my father and me. God showed me that these”instant replays” were a ploy of Satan to challenge the Lord’sworking in my life.
I took authority over those awful memories. Every time they triedto haunt me, I commanded them to leave in the name of Jesus. Also, Iconfessed out loud that I had forgiven my dad. It was a real battle,but eventually I felt a new freedom from the past.
Beside the whole issue of bad memories, the Lord gave me anotherclear choice. For years I had grumbled about my dad not meeting myneeds. But I sensed God saying, “You had much higher expectationsthan your father was ever able to fulfill, even if the verbal andsexual abuse had never taken place. Are you willing to accept thefact that your father will never be able to meet your needs?”
I was at a point of decision. One path was clinging to my “rights”to hold hatred toward him. Or I could let go of my dream of having aperfect father and allow God to bring healing.
I chose the latter, releasing all my expectations of the “perfect”father. God would be my Father-I could trust that He would never hurtme. At that instant, I felt as though fifty tons had rolled off myback.
Then, in February 1982, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer.Chemotherapy started immediately. My greatest fear was that Dad woulddie without Christ. Interestingly, that fear showed me the depth offorgiveness I had already experienced toward him.
Due to Dad’s illness, my sister came to know the Lord. But Dadstill didn’t want to hear any of that “religious talk” about God.Then I asked my sister if she had told Dad about her new relationshipwith Christ. “Do I really have to?” she asked. I encouraged her tospeak with him.
The day after Christmas, Dad was very sick. My sister was talkingwith him on the couch when I heard her call me. “What is it?” Ianswered.
“Dad just doesn’t understand that he needs to ask Jesus into hislife in order to get to heaven.”
I knelt down in front of my father and looked him straight in theeyes-something I had never been able to do.
“Pop, what is it you don’t understand?”
“I don’t believe in hell,” he said.
“It doesn’t matter whether you believe in hell or not,” Ianswered. “The Bible says that there is a hell, so there is a hell.”
“I want to be cremated,” he retorted.
I thought for a moment before answering. “I don’t know what theBible says about that, but one thing is for sure.
Cremation will not be the end of you. Your spirit will leave yourbody when you die, and you’ll be eternally separated from God.”
Leaning forward, I continued. “Pop, we’re a family. We’re going toheaven and we want you with us!”
His face relaxed, and then he said the words I’d prayed for yearsto hear: “What do I have to do?”
During the next few minutes, my sister and I had the glorioushonor of leading our dad to the Lord. He prayed with us, asking forGod’s forgiveness and accepting Christ as his Savior.
I didn’t see the kind of changes in him that often accompanyconversion. He was too ill to read the Bible or tell others aboutJesus. But I did see God working within him. My dad had been a verybitter, angry man. All that anger seemed to fall away as the Lord’sSpirit gave him a new calm and peace. I sensed that he felt God’slove.
Another important event took place before dad died the followingJune. He’d never spoken to me about my former lesbian involvement,but I knew he was ashamed of me. The cancer had gone to his brain bythen and I wasn’t really sure he would understand what I was about tosay. But it was so heavy on my heart that I had to tell him.
I leaned over him and talked quietly. “Pop, I never really was thedaughter you expected me to be. I’m so sorry about that. Pleaseforgive me.”
Dad gave no visible response, but I continued on anyway. “Youknow, you weren’t the father I expected either. But I’ve forgivenyou. And God’s given me such a love for you, Pop.” My tears flowedfreely as I kissed his forehead. “I’m so glad we’ll be togetherforever with Him.”
The whole time I talked, Dad said nothing. Whether or not hecomprehended me, I have such joy in knowing from his heavenlyvantage-point now he sees all the work God has done and is doing inmy life. And I know Dad must be very pleased.
In the years since Dad died, my growth has continued. God has donesuch a marvelous work in my life. As He released me from hatred,unforgiveness and bitterness, my bondage to homosexuality was broken.And He has given me true love and forgiveness toward my preciousparents. How I thank Him, for now I love them the way He alwaysintended.
Penny Dalton is director of Whosoever Will Ministry inMiddletown, N.Y. This testimony is adapted from Out of Egypt: LeavingLesbianism Behind by Jeanette Howard (Monarch Publications).Copyright c 1991 by Jeanette Howard. Used by permission. Distributedby Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307;901/542-0250