A Lesson in Love A Lesson in Love

By Tom Taylor

I could not talk with Peter about his lifestyle and the ache inmy heart it caused. I needed God to change my heart so I could lovePeter with His kind of love.

Our Peter is now 37 with a doctorate in Clinical Psychology fromColumbia University. Anne, my wife, and I are very proud of him forhis academic accomplishments and his commitment to excellence. You’dlove to meet him. He is friendly, intelligent, very sensitive,outgoing, loves people and has a strong commitment to our family.After graduating from New York University with a degree in theater,Peter became quite successful as a stage manager on Broadway in NewYork and on a national tour.

In late August of 1985, we took our travel trailer up toConnecticut to spend a week with Peter where he was a stage managerfor a summer theater company. We invited him to our trailer Sundayevening. After a cozy dinner by candle light, he said, I havesomething to tell you. I am gay. ;ve wanted to tell you for a longtime because its so important to me. But I knew it would be verydifficult for you to hear this. Hal and I are very happy together.

Physically I was already exhausted from a very heavy schedule.Upon hearing Peter;s news, I felt totally devastated and thoroughlyflattened. I felt no anger; I was just wiped out. Of course, I feltgreat revulsion over the physical aspects of Peter’s life.

But, somehow God controlled me; no accusations, no defense of myself and no preaching from the Bible. My first question was, ;Peter,where have I failed you as your father?; He replied,You havent. Youwere wonderful parents and tremendous role models for me.

You may ask how did Anne responded. The previous night she hadnoticed a gold band on Peter’s finger that had not been therebefore. She wondered, Is he gay? This caused her to read manypassages about suffering, among them James 1:2-8, which says that Godwill give wisdom in the midst of trials. God had prepared her heart.However, we were exhausted with sorrow much as Jesus; disciples wereon the Mount of Olives (Luke 22:45).

That night we asked him many other questions. Was his commitmentto Jesus at age 12 real? How did this all start? Who had supportedhim in his struggles? And last but not least, what about AIDS and hadhe been tested? As I saw it, our nice, orderly family was going downthe road of life. Suddenly we were hit by an express train! AfterPeter left that night, Anne sobbed her eyes out for three hours. Wethen prayed together, crying out to God for His wisdom in thisdevastating situation in which our hearts were breaking. Godquickened to Anne 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ;Praise be to the God andFather of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the Godof all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we cancomfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves havereceived from God.” We asked God to some how use this situationto enable us to reach out to other hurting people through our pain.Little did we know what God had in mind for us.

During the balance of our time with Peter, we tried to enjoyseveral outings, among them a boat trip on the Connecticut River. Thesun was hot on our faces as was the searing pain in our hearts. Onthe trip I asked Peter, “Do you have a will?” He replied,“No, not yet.” My concern was if Peter should die, that ourheirlooms and family money which we invested in his New Yorkapartment might wind up in Hal’s pocket. Later Peter told usthat Hal, his partner, was coming up from New York Thursday for theweekend. Though we knew Hal and enjoyed being with him, the news madeseeing him impossible. Emotionally we could not face him because wewere still reeling from the devastating news.

Anne and I prayed and tried to figure out what was happening toour normal, ordered life. We knew we could not handle this crushingnews by ourselves. What were we to do?

Upon returning home, we immediately called our pastor and made anappointment to counsel with him. We told him about Peter and ourheartache and pain. He listened and prayed with us with care andlove. But he had no solid, ongoing counsel for us. We then shared thenews with our small group Bible study, who prayed and cried with us.

As time passed, Peter came home and joined our holiday and familyoccasions. Usually Anne and I had no time for serious one-on-oneconversations. We were just too busy. Our mission was to tend to ourfamily members and guests, insuring that they felt warmly welcomedand had a good time. I would “buckle my seat belt” and rideit out. I could not talk with Peter about his lifestyle and the achein my heart which it had caused me; just safe chitchat. When he wentback to New York City, it was “out of sight, out of mind.”Anne was much more faithful in keeping up the contact with Peter thanI was.

During the spring of 1988, I was introduced to Come Back, Barbara,a book written by Jack Miller and his daughter, Barbara Juliani. Itis the powerful story of Barbara’s rebellion and how God usedthis crushing situation in Jack’s life to break open his heartfor some very deep changes. He talked about mounting a “loveoffensive” toward a loved one. At first I did not understandthis concept and certainly did not want to get involved. I wanted tocontinue trying to live my life without interruption orinconvenience. God’s Spirit, however, would not let me go andcontinued to make me uncomfortable. He began to show me the uglythings that were ruling my life: For one, I needed the approval ofother people. I needed to be respected and respectable. What wouldpeople say about me as a father if they knew about Peter’shomosexuality? Secondly, I wanted Peter to conform to my moralstandards, to have my family in order and under control. Thus, Ibelieved that I would be more acceptable in God’s eyes because Iwas a “good dad.” The tension of trying desperately to holdon to my family life finally became too much for me to manage.

As I began to repent of my fear of other’s opinions and mypride, I could see in a fresh way God’s holiness and my ownsinful nature. I realized that I was clinging to these ruling motivesthinking that God would accept me if I could just get my life undercontrol. How utterly foolish!

I began to confess to God that I did not love Peter withGod’s kind of love. I asked God to change my heart so that Icould learn to love Peter with His kind of love. This was totallydifferent from relying on my own self-effort to love Peter.

God then became my loving Father, Redeemer, Fountain of Life andRefuge. I became God’s son, and He accepts me whether I succeedor fail. God started to become my total sufficiency and the source ofmy identity and reality. While on vacation with my family in thePoconos in August 1988, I realized that my heart was changing. Icould begin to really love Peter as my son in a deeper way than Iever had before. I was also able to show love to Hal, Peter’spartner, who was starting a small business. As we talked, God gave mereal wisdom and excitement as I shared how to structure his newventure.

During the fall, Peter had to write a paper discussing therelationships in our family. He asked to borrow a similar paper I hadwritten for a course I had taken at the Christian Counseling &Educational Foundation. It was a very humbling request for me, but Iagreed. God used all of this to further break open my heart.

In December I drove to New York City (I hate cities, especiallythat one). My purpose was to listen to Peter and ask him to forgiveme for the ways I had controlled him and hurt him in the past. I didnot know the details, but I did know there were things I needed tomake right in our relationship. As we talked together, I began to cryas God did further healing in my heart.

After Peter completed his paper about his perspective of ourfamily relationships, he mailed me a copy. I remember reading it verycarefully with a dictionary in one hand and his paper in the other.

The following weekend, we spent eleven hours going over it! Iwanted to listen and learn all I could about Peter and the importantissues in his life. When Peter had finished reviewing his paper, Isaid to him, “I want to say some things.” With that Petergot up to leave. Anne said, “We’ve listened to you for 11hours. Now sit down and listen to us!” We then shared some ofour Biblical convictions. That was the last time we spoke about hischoices in the light of Scripture. I reached the astonishingconclusion that we both had (and are continuing to have) the sameruling motives in our lives! We both need the approval of others andwe are proud men.

Today, I continue trying to encourage and support Peter in hishard work and high professional standards and in his otheractivities. I am also learning to love him more for whom he is, notjust because he meets my expectations or desires. He and his formerpartner handled the rehearsal dinner for our daughter’s wedding.We have had them both in our home and on vacation with us. However,we do not allow them to share the same bedroom; we treat this just asif he was in a sexual relationship with a woman, but not married toher.

I’ve come to see Peter’s homosexuality as the surfaceproblem and surface sin, not the “biggie” which the churchusually condemns. The real root sins are rejection, rebellion,self-pity, moral impurity, fear and pride. And we all struggle withthese, don’t we?

I am learning to allow the Holy Spirit to search me and try myheart; He is exposing more of my sinful nature which drives andcontrols my life. This is why Jesus came and died for me. He makes metotally acceptable to God. Only the Holy Spirit can come and changethe basic desires of my heart as I learn to cry out to Him. As Ibecome honest before God and confess that I have neither the desirenor power to love Him (or Peter) because of my self-centeredness, Iam cleansed in Jesus’ blood. Then the Spirit comes and changesme at the very core of my being. This is scary and painful. But oh,what joy and peace begin to flow!

An excerpt from: Psalms for Hurting Parents by Tom TaylorCopyright (C) 1994, HARVEST USA Box 11469, Philadelphia, PA 19111.Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307;901/542-0250