Amazing Grace Amazing Grace

by Tim Rymel

How could I be a minister and be gay? I knelt at my bedside athousand times looking for answers, but felt my prayers never leftthe room. Was God through with me?

The date was September 17, 1989. It was a crisp Sunday morning inSacramento when I stood before my congregation for the last time astheir music minister. A quiet gasp swept through the auditorium as Iread my resignation letter. I could almost hear the questions goingthrough their minds, questions that remained unanswered by my letter.

But how could I tell them I was gay? That I had fallen into ahomosexual relationship. They wouldn’t understand. I couldhardly understand it myself.

I was raised in a middle-class, Christian home. We attended asmall, Pentecostal church in Salinas, California when I was a child.In 1971, because of my father’s job, we moved to Sacramento andbegan attending a local Assembly of God Church.

I don’t remember much about my childhood. But the one thing Ido recall is fear. My father was often loud and condescending.

I remember times, for example, when Dad would work on the car infront of our house and I would have the job as his little helper.“Go get a Hex wrench for me out of the toolbox,” he wouldsay. Off I would go into the garage looking through a giant silverbox for this strange object I had never heard of before.

“You stupid idiot!” he’d shout from under the hoodof the car. “If I want something done around here I always haveto do it myself.” I had taken too long again. His words werecrushing. I felt I could never do anything right.

Over the next several years I withdrew from our relationship. Ididn’t want to be hurt by him anymore.

Around the time I was 11, Mom and Dad stopped attending church.They had become discouraged through strained relationships. Dadstarted drinking heavily and our home deteriorated from a Christianatmosphere to one of discontentment and chaos.

Yet through it all, I remembered what I was taught as a child. Soone summer I hopped on a Greyhound bus and went back to Salinas,where I stayed with some Christian relatives. In a Sunday morningchurch service on July 6, 1980, I asked Jesus into my heart. A weeklater, I headed for home.

Within a couple of months I was attending a church close to homeand became involved with the music department. I drew close to theLord, and felt the call into ministry.

However, there seemed to be one “small” problem. I foundmyself attracted to my youth pastor. While it wasn’t the firsttime I had been drawn to another man, this attraction went deeperthan any I’d had before.

I was obsessed with thinking about him. I wanted to be alone withhim and fantasized about having sex with him. I didn’tunderstand my feelings. This man wasn’t especially attractive,but he made me feel good about myself. He encouraged me and taught mewhat it meant to be a Christian — things I had always wanted myfather to do.

When my youth pastor resigned, I wanted to die. The pain of losinghim was so great I vowed to never get close to anyone again.

My curiosity with pornography heightened during this time.“It’s for my sister,” I told the store clerk as Ipurchased my first Playgirl. Pornography gave me a fantasy world ofpleasure without the pain of relationships. This habit continuedthrough college until I went into ministry in May, 1987.

As a minister, I determined I would avoid pornography because thatwould not be fitting for a man in my position. That commitment lastedfor about one year. Slowly I began frequenting books stores and videostores again.

A year later I became friends with another Christian man who alsostruggled with homosexual feelings. As we began spending more andmore time together our attractions toward one another becameincreasingly intense.

I had heard about Love In Action, and in desperation, I called forhelp. I met with Frank Worthen, who was the director at the time.“You have to resign the ministry,” Frank told me.“You’re not doing yourself any good or your church anygood. You’re only taking their money.”

Frank was right. By this point I had compromised so many things inmy life I didn’t know what to believe anymore. My flesh told methat homosexuality was right, that it was everything I was searchingfor. Yet I knew the Bible said that homosexual relationships werewrong. I believed the Bible — but soon found myself involved ina sexual relationship with my Christian friend. Immediately Iresigned from the church.

Because of my conviction, the relationship was short-lived. I knewI couldn’t live my life as a homosexual without the Lord. At thesame time, I didn’t feel I could live my life as a Christianwithout homosexuality. Two months later, feeling as though I hadfailed God, my parents, and myself, I attempted suicide. I was hopingto finally end the conflict once and for all. But God had otherplans.

Once again, I contacted Love In Action. I remembered Frank tellingme about the live-in program and I knew God wanted me there. WhenJanuary 1, 1990 finally came, I arrived in San Rafael.

God immediately began to work in my life. First He stripped awaymy old identity as “minister and musician,” and began torebuild a new identity from the ground up. I hated myself. I thoughtmy value could only be found in performance — musically or inministry.

God began showing me that my self-worth, was not based on what Idid, but simply on the fact that He loved me. I was someone soprecious that He loved me and sent His son to die for me, even whileI was in my sin (Rom. 5:8). With that knowledge, He began teaching mehow to love myself, too.

Then the Lord began to restore my emotions. Since pornography wasno longer an option, I had to face hurts and feelings that hadpreviously been buried in the escape of fantasy. Rather than actingon my temptations, I started talking about them.

I felt like I’d been blind, and for the first time in mylife, I could see the vibrant colors of changing seasons. I foundthat, by cutting off relationships to keep from getting hurt, I wasalso cutting off the joy of experiencing life the way God intended.

As I began to learn the value of relating to other people, thewalls in my life began to come down.

My early experiences with the Lord built a foundation which keptme from walking away from Him when things got tough. But God usedLove In Action to give me what I needed to walk away fromhomosexuality.

One night, while in the program, I was reading the story ofShadrach, Meshach and Abednego in chapter three of Daniel. I came toverses 17 and 18 which say, “If we are thrown into the blazingfurnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it…But even if Hedoes not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve yourgods or worship the image of gold you set up.”

God challenged my commitment to Him that night. Was I willing toserve Him even if He never took away my struggle with homosexuality?Certainly, He was able. But was I ready to serve Him with the sameconviction as the three Hebrew men even if He did not deliver me? Ibecame convicted of my own pride as I began searching my heart forthat answer. Ultimately my answer was a resounding yes. Myrelationship with Jesus, and my life, was forever changed that night.

I continue to learn how to walk in obedience to the Bible, notbased on how I feel, but based on my commitment to God. I found thatbeing accountable and honest about my struggles takes the power outof temptations.

Most importantly, I have learned the benefit of committing timeevery day to the Lord in prayer and reading His Word. What used to besuch a burden to me has become the very core of my existence. My timewith Him each day gives me the strength I need to continue growing asa godly man.

More healing took place as the relationship with my father wasrestored. For the first time, we were able to take an honest look atour relationship. We admitted our faults and mistakes, forgave eachother, and began building a relationship based on mutual love andrespect.

My father had recommitted his life to Christ in 1982, and became adeeply committed man of God. He was an incredible source of strengthand encouragement to me in walking out of my homosexual past.

Then God granted the desire of my heart on June 17, 1995 when Imarried a beautiful, Christian woman. That day my father and I sharedin God’s faithfulness as he stood beside me as my best man.

I enjoy the fullness of my heterosexuality in my marriage as Godcontinues to help me grow. My marriage is not always easy, like anymarriage, but it is rewarding and secure. It is an exciting journeylearning more about each other and about God.

My wife and I look forward to the future, ministering to otherswho have been broken. We are able to draw from our own pasts and thehealing God has given us.

Through my homosexual struggle, I learned my need for depending onthe Lord. “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about myweaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Cor.12:9)

Someone once said, “Amazing Grace: No matter how many timesyou sing it, it’s still amazing.” As I look back over theyears, I continually see the hand of God at work. There were timesthat seemed dark, and times when I wasn’t sure I would make it.But it’s during those times that I’ve been able to echo thePsalmist in saying:

“I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of thedepths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, Icalled to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me upfrom the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit. Sing tothe Lord, you saints of His; praise His holy name. For His angerlasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime; weeping mayremain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” (Psalm30:1-5)

Tim Rymel worked as the Director of Outreach Ministries forLove In Action from 1991 to 1996.

Copyright (C) 1992 , 1995 by Tim Rymel. Distributed by LoveIn Action, P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307.