He Healed my Marriage He Healed My Marriage

By Alan Medinger

Alan had a wonderful wife, two lovely daughters and held aresponsible position in his church. But his frequent trips to theparks, porn shops and gay bars nearly ruined his marriage and hislife.

During a recent quiet time, the Lord showed me what my life mighthave been like today. I envisioned myself living alonedowntown-lonely and desperate, still going after that which could notsatisfy, seeking from other men that which they did not have to give.

Willa, my wife, was living somewhere else, the anger and hurt inher life still hidden beneath the surface. I saw our youngerdaughter, Beth, daily expressing an anger towards a father who hadnever understood her needs and who had finally abandoned her. Ourolder daughter, Laura, carried a deep sadness for a father she lovedvery much. Our son, Steven, had not been born at all.

But that is not the way my life is. On the night of November 26,1974, a new man was born. Perhaps it would be more accurate to saythat a boy was reborn and started to grow into a man.

In my background were most of the ingredients typically seen ascontributing to homosexuality: an unplanned child, parents who werehoping for a girl, an older brother who met the father’s ideal morethan I, and a father with severe emotional problems which caused himto barely be able to cope with life himself, much less meet the needsof his son. Now I know that these factors did not cause myhomosexuality. Rather, my responses to these factors influenced me inthat direction.

My attraction to men goes back almost as far as I can remember. Isuppose I was about twelve years old when I started acting out myhomosexual attractions.

But growing up in the 1940’s and 50’s, there was not a visible gaysubculture or homosexual lifestyle to which I could aspire. I alwaysassumed I would marry and do the best I could. My wife Willa and Ihad grown up neighbors, dated through high school, and then incollege became more serious.

She was a wonderful, popular girl and I believed we could have agood life together. We were married and things went well in the earlyyears. But about the fifth year of marriage, after our two daughterswere born and the normal family and career pressures started tobuild, I again became homosexually active. I was involved for thenext ten years.

During those years I believed that, except for this one great,dark area in my life, I had it all together. I was successful inbusiness, a pillar of the church, and had a wonderful family,including foster children we took in. Theologically, I had it prettywell figured out. All men and women commit sin, and this was myparticular area of weakness.

This may be hard for many to understand, but I hated myhomosexuality more than anyone could imagine. But even worse was thethought of giving it up. I don’t know why. Was I really seeking lovefrom another man? To be worth something to a man? To possessanother’s manhood? Perhaps it was all of these, but sex with anotherman met some need, provided some relief or escape that I felt I hadto have.

I figured that if I just kept it moderately under control, God’sscorecard on me would tally up in my favor and I would be okay.

But everything was not under control. The compulsion wasincreasing and my going out became more frequent and reckless. Mymarriage was coming apart at the seams. I finally was no longer ableto function heterosexually. Willa figured out what the problem was,but decided not to confront me.

My wife, of course, was desperately unhappy during those years.She joined a prayer group of mature Christian women who were trueprayer warriors. Although she did not tell them the specific natureof problem, they started praying for our marriage.

Willa began sensing that she should let go of me. If the marriagewere to fall apart, and me with it, she was to let it happen. She wasable to let go of me, spiritually and emotionally.

Not long after this, a friend asked me to attend a prayer meeting.I resisted for a long time, but finally agreed to go. He told me,”What the Lord has for you is far better than anything you couldimagine.” When I heard that, a great peace came over me.

To a casual onlooker, nothing spectacular happened that Novembernight. But inside of me, a great change occurred. As the large groupof two or three hundred people were praying and praising God aloud, Iquietly surrendered my life, including my homosexuality, to JesusChrist. I admitted my helplessness, that my life was a wreck, that Iwas willing to let Him do whatever He would with my life.

Beginning the following day, I started to recognize that a wholebundle of miracles had occurred. Gone were the homosexual fantasieswhich seemed to have seldom left my waking mind over the previous 25years. I felt a love for Willa that I never knew was possible.Perhaps most important of all, God was no longer a farawayscorekeeper. He was a Savior who had come down from His heaven andbrought me salvation. Jesus loved me and I loved Him so very much. Iknew for the first time what it was to love and be loved in return.

At the time, I felt that what God had done was a total healing,and it is true that the sexual pull towards other men was gone. Buthomosexuality is more than having sex with someone of the samegender. Closer to the root is a deep brokenness, almost a stillbirthin our manhood or womanhood. Somehow as a small boy, I had closed adoor to my growth into manhood. God helped me open it again.

My conversion marked the resumption of my growth into manhood. Godhas worked wonderfully to remove my great sense of inadequacy around”straight” men, those who have never experienced homosexuality. Hehas enabled me to become an initiator and a leader, roles which Idreaded at one time. In a beautifully gentle way, God has beenshifting the roles my wife and I take, so that I can assume my properheadship in our family.

Because of the sudden nature of my healing from homosexuality, Iam often asked, “How complete is your healing…really?” In reply, Ican say it has stood the test of time and has borne the fruit of ablessed marriage.

I have not been homosexually tempted during the past ten years. Bytemptation, I mean seriously desiring or considering a sexual actwith another of the same sex. I did carry beyond my initial healingsome desire for an older, stronger man to “take care of me.” That toois now gone, and I see men as brothers, not as father-protectors.

Naturally, I have avoided literature, movies and other situationswhich could arouse homosexual lust. When they are encountered, asthey will be, or when someone I am counseling describes thecircumstances of a sexual fall, it does sometimes give rise to somesexual feelings. However, those are minor and are diminishing withthe passing of time.

I may still take a look at a good-looking man, but God has shownme in the past few years that this is based on envy and habits fromthe past. As I repent of the envy and continue to thank God for theway He made me, this too is becoming less frequent.

I am frequently asked the question that unfortunately is oftenconsidered the acid test: “Are you sexually aroused by women ingeneral?” No, I am not. I love my wife, and we have had a wonderfuland enjoyable sexual/ romantic relationship since my healing. But sheis the only woman with whom I wish to have sex.

Sexual intercourse is meant to be an expression of love betweentwo people in the context of a lifetime commitment. It is onlybecause of the Fall that men have problems lusting for women outsideof that committed relationship. Therefore, it seems unlikely that Godwould replace my homosexuality with a fallen heterosexuality. I thankHim that He has spared me that battle.

I’m so thankful that the picture of “what might have been” in mylife today has not occurred. I am involved full time in ministry tohomosexuals. Willa and I are working together in this ministry. Weare looking forward to celebrating our twenty-fifth weddinganniversary. Our two daughters are now in college and Stephen, ourson who “would not have been,” is eight years old and doing well. Andhis father loves him very much.

Alan is the director of Regeneration, an ex-gay ministry inBaltimore, MD. Copyright 1984, 1995. Reprinted by permission from theWinter, 1984 edition of The Exodus Standard. Published by Love InAction, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250