Longing to Belong Longing to Belong

By Michael Reed as told to Bob Davies

The excitement of the gay lifestyle engulfed me. For the firsttime in my life, I felt totally accepted by other men.

“Hey, sissy, you sure throw that ball like a girl!” A chorus oflaughter echoed in my ears as I turned around. Two older boys weredoubled over with laughter, pointing at a baseball sitting in thedust of the playground about 20 feet in front of me. Other boysjoined in their taunts and laughter as tears formed in the corner ofmy eyes.

A ringing school bell signalled the end of recess. I hate sports,I thought, running toward my fourth grade classroom with a dull acheinside.

Then the attacks grew more vicious. One time some boys put needlesin their shoes, with the points sticking out from the inside. Theycornered me on the playing field and kicked me hard enough to drawblood. After that, I started trembling whenever anyone came near me.

At 16, my family moved to another city and things got better.Physical education classes were optional, and I dropped out, glad toavoid the humiliation of being picked last when the class dividedinto teams.

I landed a minor part in our high school play, and began hangingout with the kids in theater. I discovered many of them had alsoexperienced peer rejection, so we banded together for mutual support.

Evenings and weekends, we’d pile into one boy’s car and head forthe liquor store. Judy, one of the girls, would stand by the dooruntil she convinced a customer to buy us two six-packs of beer. Thenwe’d head for the house of an older student who lived alone acrosstown.

One night, one of the guys pulled out some hand-rolled cigarettes.”Hey, take a toke on this,” he urged. Everybody took a couple ofslow, deep drags as the sweet smell of marijuana filled the air.After that, we added getting high to our regular pastimes. Finally Iwas gaining some acceptance among my peers.

But I didn’t tell even my closest friends about my growing sexualattraction to other guys. Nobody knew about that until 1972, my firstyear as a college student. On campus, I got acquainted with severalhomosexuals in the drama department. Soon I was a regular at the gaybars downtown.

I especially enjoyed the excitement of the drag shows. Afterward,we’d dance to driving disco music until the bar closed at two a.m.,then head for an all-night restaurant. Soon I was going to the barsany chance I could get.

But after a few months, the thin veneer of glamour began wearingthin. One night, we were drinking heavily and somebody slipped me acouple of pills. Soon I was too drugged to even walk. Several friendscarried me out of the bar and drove me to an apartment where a wildparty was in progress. That night, I was powerless to protect myselfas eight different men sexually exploited me.

The next morning, I felt sick and numb. I was miles from school,but I went outside and started walking. During the long walk back tocampus, I thought about the humiliation of the previous night.

So much for love and acceptance by other men, I thought bitterly.They were only interested in their own sexual pleasure. I was finallygetting a glimpse of the ugly side of the gay lifestyle. But I keptpursuing the homosexual fantasy, looking for the perfect man whocould fulfill me.

When a college friend started dressing as a woman, I joined hisantics. After we became dorm roommates, the other students beganmaking nasty remarks. One night in retaliation, we staged a wild dragshow in the hallway outside our room. The school authorities had tocome and put an end to the resulting uproar.

By spring semester, however, I was getting burned out on the drugscene. Pot and acid only made me feel paranoid. At parties, I’d endup in the corner-observing, feeling distant from the crowd.

Soon afterward, I dropped out of college. My frequent sexualexploits had earned me a double diagnosis: mononucleosis andsyphilis. The slow weeks of recovery back home gave me lots of timeto think. Was homosexuality really giving me what I wanted in life?

You don’t have to live this way. The thought hit me one morningafter I’d been up all night on an acid trip. I felt miserable andjittery, as scenes from the past flashed through my mind. I lookedoutside at the glorious crimson and orange colors of the rising sun.I couldn’t help contrasting its stark beauty with the ugliness of mylife. Was there something-someone-beyond this world that I had notyet experienced?

After that night, I stopped doing most drugs-except pot. I beganyoga classes on Monday evenings at the local recreation center. Aboutthis time, I entered into my first long-term gay relationship. Thisis what I’ve always been looking for, I told myself, thinking myneeds for male love and affection were finally being met.

During the following months, I began an earnest spiritual search.I started by devouring books on mysticism. Some members of our yogaclass attended a weekend retreat with a visiting guru fromPennsylvania. Later, I wrote him for an application to become part ofhis ashram.

But a strange thing occurred as I began filling out the form. Ifyou follow this man, you will be forsaking me. The words flashedacross my mind every time I put my pen on the paper. Somehow I knewit was Jesus speaking to me, and I resolved to find out more aboutHim.

I started looking into churches. First, the religious sciencechurch. It seemed dead. Then the Christian Science church. All I sawwas a building filled with wealthy people. Then I attended a Catholicmass. The priest was a godly man; I could see the character of JesusChrist in him, and his messages fed my hungry soul. I becameconvinced that Jesus was the Son of God, and I began praying to Him.I read books on Catholic doctrine, and later went through catechismclasses. I joined the Catholic church in 1978.

But my homosexual involvement continued. My “long term”relationship broke up after one year, and I began pursuing other men.Then two Christian women at work reached out to me. “We’re prayingfor you,” they’d say. And God began moving in my life in a deeperway.

Two other people from work took me to an Assembly of God church,where I witnessed the power of the Holy Spirit. I heard the messageof Jesus dying for my sins, and I started pulling away from the gaybars, giving up smoking and drinking. Then I talked to another priestabout my homosexuality, and he said it was OK to be gay. So when Isaw a guy at church who I’d also seen in the bars, we talked abouthaving a Christian relationship. Soon we were sexually involved.

Our relationship lasted two weeks. We were both convicted thatsomething was wrong. Then one night when we were together in bed, hesaid, “We can’t do this anymore. This is sodomy.” He showed me in theBible where homosexuality was forbidden, and it hit me like a brickbetween the eyes. We got down on our knees and asked the Lord to helpus turn away from homosexuality.

Soon afterward, I moved in with the two Christian women from work,and we went to every charismatic prayer meeting in town. My walk withthe Lord grew stronger and it was soon tested. I worked the graveyardshift at a restaurant about two blocks from one of the gay bars.After two a.m., all my former friends would come in. “Hey, Mike,”they’d say, “why haven’t ya been around lately?”

“Ahh…” I hedged, “I’ve got a lot of other things going on.”After I gained some confidence, I told them about becoming aChristian. “I won’t be coming back to the bar.”

“You’re a Chreeestian?” they mimicked in a high voice. “Hey, guys,Mike’s too holy for us now!” I hated their mockery, but God gave methe strength to ignore their insults. Now my eyes were open to thetruth; I felt sorry for these people I had once admired.

Then, on a trip across the United States, I stopped at a monasteryin New Mexico, and found a book called The Gay Theology. I read itstraight through, and contacted Love In Action listed in the back. Imoved to San Rafael in June 1979 to join their live-in program.

There were tons of trials waiting for me! At first, some of my gaymannerisms started coming back because of the other guys around thehouse. I began to battle sexual temptation. I’ve got to get out ofhere, was my response. I’m reverting back to my old ways. But Godshowed me that He wanted me to be victorious in the midst of thetemptations, instead of running away.

After I graduated from the program, I had a very difficult time.The Lord was taking me from the excitement of a relationship with Himbased on emotions to one based on faith. I had to learn to trust God,even when I didn’t feel His presence. I went through a lot ofdespondency, feelings of darkness and despair.

But as I persevered, God brought me through. He used other men inthe church who reached out to me. At first, I had a lot of fear ofrejection. But as time went on, I realized that these guys didn’tlook at me as being homosexual or inferior to them. Their acceptanceand love began to impact my life as God used them to minister healingand acceptance.

Also, I read in the Word of God over and over how much God lovesme and has a purpose for my life. A renewing of my mind was takingplace, but it took time. I had to be patient, and not getdiscouraged.

Eventually I received assurance from God that He wanted me tomarry and raise a family. He showed me that, through marriage, Hewould teach me to love sacrificially and bring a new depth into myknowledge of His character.

Sure enough, in 1986, I met my future wife; Helen Mae and I weremarried the following year. Healing continued to flow from Christ tome through the loving acceptance of my wife and through thechallenges that marriage brought to test and strengthen mymasculinity.

We now have two boys, and relying on God’s power to raise mychildren has drawn me even deeper into fellowship with Him. Theexcitement and drama of the Christian life is better by far thananything I could have ever imagined when I lived in the gaylifestyle.

Today, I see myself as a man, as a strong and stable person. Ihave a lot of peace. Homosexuality is no longer a part of my life-Idon’t even think of myself as “ex-gay.” It’s an area that I relate toless and less.

My life is founded on Christ the Rock. I have confidence in theLord as my relationship with Him has been tested and proven. ThroughGod’s unconditional love, my need to belong is fully satisfied.